Friends

"thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women.” -2 Sam. 1:26

These were the words of David describing his friend, Jonathan, in what was his funeral oration. It captures one of the great friendships of the Bible. That some have perverted this as evidence of same-sex, physical love says more about today’s culture than it does about the text. We are drawn to this story because of its utter selflessness, not because of forbidden pleasures. Friendship is that way. It is a rare commodity that draws two kindred souls together because each loves the same truth rather than some magnetic power of the other. Whereas lovers continually look into one another’s eyes and talk of their love, friends walk side by side hardly ever talking of their friendship but instead are absorbed by a common interest. Friendship is uninquisitive and cares nothing about one’s background, wealth, status, beauty, or race. The real question for friends is, “Do you see the same truth?” Those who care little about truth or beauty are incapable of true friendship; a spur to awaken in our children a love for both.

Neither is friendship necessarily exclusive. In fact, friendship can magnify the importance of each member of a circle for each person elicits forth certain qualities in the other members that no one else can. I love it when friend “C” joins with me and friend “B” because “B” comes alive in a certain way in “C’s” presence that does not happen when only I am there. In that respect, friendships are a harbinger of heaven where each will magnify and reflect in the other the glory of God.

Friendship is most naturally found among same sex relationships. It springs from the fertile ground of shared activities and pursuits. It occurs when two or more discover they have not only the same interests but the same passions for what is important and what is true. A same-sex friendship knows automatically that all bodily passions are irrelevant, that what passes between them is spiritual in nature with no ulterior motives involved. While friendships do develop between the sexes, they can quickly and easily shift onto slippery ground.

Today’s culture glorifies romance, or even pure, unbridled lust. Moms take pride in the romantic adventures of their daughters; fathers in the conquests of their sons. Few know the joy of a deep, same-sex friendship, what C.S. Lewis calls “the crown of life and the school of virtue.” And few value it because few experience it. For our family, we drilled our girls in the fact that they would seldom remember the boyfriends they had in school, but they would very likely retain their female friendships long afterwards; and vice-versa for our son. In so doing, we removed from them much of the peer pressure that says that their value is determined by their appeal to the opposite sex. While this may seem like a message delivered to teens, we see an increasingly downward escalation of romantic allure and expectations in our society well into grade school.

Using Paul’s language, I “beseech you my brethren” to affirm in yourselves and your children those Godly same-sex relationships that bring us out of ourselves, draw us to higher truths, and confirm the value of each individual. They may not have a lot of survival value, but they give value to survival.

*For more, read the chapter on “Friendship” in The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis from which much of this was borrowed.