reflections

“Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.” Ecc. 12:13

Last week was a cascade of reflections as I retraced some very old steps, revisiting friends and places from my childhood. The home where I learned how to ride a bike, discovered the magic of the Lone Ranger on radio, spent enchanting rainy afternoons rummaging in the attic, and was first set free to roam the neighborhood is now a slum. No self-respecting family would want to live there amidst unkempt yards, peeling paint, and “beware of dog” signs everywhere. The corner grocery store where we traded five empty pop bottles for a full one is boarded up, just one more dead building among many. I retraced my steps to school that had to have been a mile or two and found they were only 4 city blocks.

I visited my old one-room country school house where now lived Tim Fitch and his wife. He invited me in where I saw those same old floor boards where once I trembled as a fledgling 5th grader coming as a city boy into this strange new world. Outside, the boys’ and girls’ outhouses still stood, and I saw many of the same old trees, now ancient with age, under whose branches we played countless softball games. Memories returned of a red plastic lunch box and after-lunch story times as we listened to the old WLS radio station out of Chicago where dads could hear all the latest hog and cattle prices that so affected their lives.

By gracious chance, I met some of those old classmates from that humble school and was staggered at the deep pools of experience, life stories, joy, and calamity that stood before me in comparison to the easy, uncomplicated, exuberant lives I had left behind so many unscarred years before. The tall, strong boisterous one I so remembered was now disabled, struggling to deal with a number of near-crippling injuries. Another was caught in a mystery of pain, frailty, and estrangement from job and family yet the spirit that drew us together as friends was the same. He called me his “best friend,” which left me reeling as I reflected back on the 50 years of silence that had passed between us.

And then there were the high school classmates who had reached out to me, people I had really never known who now made a deep impression with their gracious hospitality towards me as a fellow survivor of that class of ’62. One spoke from his wheelchair, a man disabled in an accident in middle age who still worked, traveled, and created marvelous woodturnings. We talked eagerly of life and woodworking and jobs and children with him and his ever faithful wife as if none of his personal tragedy had ever happened.

I could not visit the grave of my longest boyhood friend for his ashes were scattered on some lake in Canada, but visited instead the resting place of his son who represented all that was good in my friend’s life. I met the son’s widow for the first time, and we filled in the pieces of our ragged accounts of years gone by and retraced the journey of faith that now bound us together; new family ties. Tears and prayers became cords of hope and love as we drew close together, a down payment on better days to come.

I spent time with old church friends, my now semi-retired “youth group,” as we reconnected the dots of our lives. The old church building itself was alive with a thousand memories as I went from room to room recounting the aches of adolescence. We talked of lives now ended, marriages dissolved, wayward children, and other tales of woe. Yet there were victories, too, as we witnessed those still smiling faces that bore testimony of a well worn and tested faith.

So many old faces speaking out with still familiar voices, so many stories, from classmates to cousins, lifetimes now ripe to the full, all spilling out, calling for some way to make sense of it all, while I stood there with my puny collection of years. I somehow am drawn to the words of another old man who looking back could only conclude, “Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.” Rather anti-climactic, I know, but it’s the only memorial that seems fit to raise.

Young Love

“A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Proverbs 17:17 KJV

Valentine’s Day is upon us men once again. I took some boys aside the other day and tried to warn them about this nefarious minefield that is a hazard to all men, both young and old, single or married. Valentine’s Day is officially banned and illegal in some or most Muslim countries, a fact that affords in my more cynical moments my first twinge of empathy with Islamic culture. It seems they cannot abide any demonstration of romantic interest and or even the public intermingling of the sexes. Muslim men are thereby released by rule of law from all the inherent dangers of not bringing home the right combination of flowers, cards, and candy to their wives or girlfriends (or both). Hmmm!

Valentine’s Day just seems to get us men in trouble no matter what we do. If we spend too little, we are cheapskates. If we spend too much, we are profligate. If we ignore it altogether, we are toast. But for our young and single colleagues, the stakes are even higher. There is this insufferable madness that comes over young males at this time of year that says if we will just make our secret love known, it will be requited. Somehow all those heart shaped candies and little red bears, bouquets of roses and unabashed balloons, all speak to us in a moment of weakness and say, “I dare you to send me to your covert crush.” And we, like sheep to the slaughter, line up at drugstores and mega-marts to purchase these far from manly items and send them off with Marine like bravery seen only in times of war when soldiers storm ashore in reckless abandon for life or limb. The end result is a mixed bag of success and disaster with crushed and bleeding egos strewn about as hearts and affections are as often rebuffed as not.

The fever strikes at an early age. Cupids arrow starts its work for sure by 5th grade as some of our boys all of a sudden wake up to the fact that not all girls have cooties. And we just happen to have a fine collection of young ladies at hand to stand for that. So what advice do you give to your young man who finds himself smitten for the first time? First of all, I will if at all possible congratulate him for his good taste. It is never too early to affirm the Godly values you wish to see in a future mate. Secondly, my advice to our young men was that the worst thing in the world for you to do would be to tell this certain young lady that you were in love with them or single them out for an ostentatious show of valentine foo-fraw. I got a few ‘amens’ on this and could see that some had been primed already. I assured the boys that young ladies who receive such misguided attention will usually run in the opposite direction. Those whose heads are easily turned by such a display will usually end up getting a talk from mom.

At this young age, it is enough of a challenge to be able to talk with the opposite sex in a way that is non-threatening. Having friends that are girls is an art for any boy (and vice versa) and one that requires all the years of middle school and high school to perfect. For Eros to truly bloom, the other person must feel comfortable and safe in the presence of any admirer. And the safest place to learn this skill is in a group situation. Pairing off at an early age is like a two person ocean crossing: fraught with all sorts of danger. My advice for boys on Valentine’s Day is to make all the young ladies in their class feel special. They will end up looking like heroes.

My most serious word to young romantics is that they will very likely retain and treasure the same-sex friendships they make through the grammar school years, but only in the most rare cases will they marry a childhood sweetheart. It seems logical then as to where to put one’s most serious efforts.

Old Friends

“Take my instruction, and not silver, and knowledge rather than choicest gold.” Pro. 8:10

Way back in the waning years of the 1960’s (B.C. – before children), my wife and I were picked up and drafted into a singing group known as the Keyfolk out in Seattle, Washington. It was the hey-day of folk music, coffee houses, and Jesus people who were, quite simply, Christian flower children. Yes, your humble administrator once toted a guitar and hung out with some pretty interesting people. But through that single but exciting year of “singing gigs” and “witnessing for Jesus,” we became bonded with the leaders of that music group, Mike and Yvonne. We were a strange foursome from totally different backgrounds. They were Pentecostal, Bible college graduates, and we were mainline denomination folk with staid college educations. None of that mattered for the bonds of truth welded us together as we shared the same passions and the same crazy sense of humor. Their sense of fearlessness and zeal took us places we would never have dared to go and developed in us gifts we never would have known we had.

After that year together, life took us to different ends of the United States, but we still kept in touch, at Christmas time if nothing else. We shared a brief visit after the first children were born but then did not see them again until all the kids were in their teens. Again, the chemistry was still there as we took up immediately where we had left off. Two or three chance visits since then have always proved the same vision still true with much laughter and many joys and struggles shared that mirrored similar paths of mission, family, and blessing. It is truly a precious thing to have friendships that can be so enriching, affirming, and enlightening. We have learned so much from them and yet they would, knowing their blind and gracious spirits, say the same about us.

This past week, they came again, flying out for a conference, taking a few extra days to stoke the old fires of friendship, and also to research a family tree that reaches into the hills of East Tennessee. We laughed at old jokes and new jokes, laughed at the aches and pains of growing old, but also rejoiced in the goodness of God over the years. Each family has reared three children with some struggles and pain but return thanks for the Godly paths they now follow. Grandchildren abound, and we shared the gold of the new life stories emerging around us. Each has been privileged to share in ministries that have borne fruit in their season. And each has traveled the world over touching those monuments and places that most folk only read about.

That is where it really hit us. We all came from inauspicious backgrounds, small towns, and less than perfect families, raised poor to middle class, and yet we have traveled those dream trips to explore the old world, walked in the footsteps of the famous and infamous, all at little or no expense. They had spent 6 years building churches in Africa. We had led student tours to the capitals of Europe. Every bit as momentous, we were still married to the same spouse after 40 years. We owned our own homes, were still able to take pride in our children, and were blessed with little ones around our knees. What riches were ours. And who would have thought we average few, we of no degree, we of humble gifts and origins could have done and experienced all that in our lifetimes? But it was not because of any dashing accomplishment of ours but simply the unmerited favor of God. Wisdom, that gallant lady of Pro. 8, promises to those who seek diligently after her “enduring wealth and righteousness.” She has sure kept her word with us, and we are downright amazed at her generosity when we now look back. What a lady!

Friends

"thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women.” -2 Sam. 1:26

These were the words of David describing his friend, Jonathan, in what was his funeral oration. It captures one of the great friendships of the Bible. That some have perverted this as evidence of same-sex, physical love says more about today’s culture than it does about the text. We are drawn to this story because of its utter selflessness, not because of forbidden pleasures. Friendship is that way. It is a rare commodity that draws two kindred souls together because each loves the same truth rather than some magnetic power of the other. Whereas lovers continually look into one another’s eyes and talk of their love, friends walk side by side hardly ever talking of their friendship but instead are absorbed by a common interest. Friendship is uninquisitive and cares nothing about one’s background, wealth, status, beauty, or race. The real question for friends is, “Do you see the same truth?” Those who care little about truth or beauty are incapable of true friendship; a spur to awaken in our children a love for both.

Neither is friendship necessarily exclusive. In fact, friendship can magnify the importance of each member of a circle for each person elicits forth certain qualities in the other members that no one else can. I love it when friend “C” joins with me and friend “B” because “B” comes alive in a certain way in “C’s” presence that does not happen when only I am there. In that respect, friendships are a harbinger of heaven where each will magnify and reflect in the other the glory of God.

Friendship is most naturally found among same sex relationships. It springs from the fertile ground of shared activities and pursuits. It occurs when two or more discover they have not only the same interests but the same passions for what is important and what is true. A same-sex friendship knows automatically that all bodily passions are irrelevant, that what passes between them is spiritual in nature with no ulterior motives involved. While friendships do develop between the sexes, they can quickly and easily shift onto slippery ground.

Today’s culture glorifies romance, or even pure, unbridled lust. Moms take pride in the romantic adventures of their daughters; fathers in the conquests of their sons. Few know the joy of a deep, same-sex friendship, what C.S. Lewis calls “the crown of life and the school of virtue.” And few value it because few experience it. For our family, we drilled our girls in the fact that they would seldom remember the boyfriends they had in school, but they would very likely retain their female friendships long afterwards; and vice-versa for our son. In so doing, we removed from them much of the peer pressure that says that their value is determined by their appeal to the opposite sex. While this may seem like a message delivered to teens, we see an increasingly downward escalation of romantic allure and expectations in our society well into grade school.

Using Paul’s language, I “beseech you my brethren” to affirm in yourselves and your children those Godly same-sex relationships that bring us out of ourselves, draw us to higher truths, and confirm the value of each individual. They may not have a lot of survival value, but they give value to survival.

*For more, read the chapter on “Friendship” in The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis from which much of this was borrowed.